THINGS I’VE LEARNED JUST BEING HERE

frustrated guy clip art

You learn a lot of stuff just being here on earth, and living your life day to day. My Father used to say ” I’m really smart where the skin is knocked off “. There is a lot of wisdom in those words. My Father said a whole lot of stuff like that. He hated being late. It was really a big deal to him. He often said, ” The only time I want to be late is to my funeral”. Well, after the chapel services, the hearse wouldn’t start due to a dead battery, and he was in fact late to his own funeral. My Father was an ardent observer of life, and I guess I just followed in his foot steps. So I have compiled a list of things I have learned, a lot of them the hard way.

  1. Never attempt to drill a hole in a painted surface without marking the location with a center punch. If you don’t, the drill is almost 100% guaranteed to run across the surface at least three to six inches and totally ruin the paint.
  2. Don’t park your motorcycle facing downhill on the side stand. Even if it’s in gear you will come back and find it laying on it’s side. It will bend the foot peg, break your mirror and any number of other expensive things. Trust me I know this!.
  3. If you take your cat to the vet, and the vet sends you home with a bottle of pills to give the cat. Do not attempt to do this. You could be seriously injured and a lot of stuff in your house could be broken.
  4. Do not attempt to drill a hole through the fender of a bicycle or motorcycle, with it in place. You will be buying a new tire, I guarantee it. If  a tire is beneath the fender it is physically impossible to keep the drill from penetrating the tire as well.
  5. If you drop a bottle of soda, I don’t care how long you wait it is still going to spray all over you. Just throw it away.
  6. Never lend money to a family member unless you’re prepared to consider it a gift.
  7. Never lend your truck to anyone, for anything, ever. They will break it, scratch it, dent it, and bring it back dirty. Trust me I know this.
  8. Don’t hire a friend to fix anything. If they botch the job, and you complain, they won’t fix it, and you will lose a friend. Hire someone you can yell at and you don’t care if you ever see them again.
  9. When buying a car, always assume that there is not one honest person on the entire sales staff. You will most likely be right.
  10. If your boss asks you to write out your job description, just go ahead and quit, you’re going to be fired anyway.
  11. If your boss hires his or her friend, and puts them in your department to supervise, do not criticize this person no matter how horrible they are. You will be fired before they are. I know this.
  12. Do not, under any circumstances, piss off the person taking your food order before you get your food. Really a bad idea.
  13. Do not attempt to paint anything above a carpet without putting down a drop cloth, no matter how small the job is. You will spill paint on the carpet, it’s Murphy’s law.
  14. Do not put gasoline in a Styrofoam container. It won’t end well.
  15. It is impossible to siphon gasoline without getting it in your mouth. That taste lasts for hours and it’s not good.
  16. If you hire a contractor, make sure he agrees to wear a GPS ankle bracelet, otherwise you will never be able to find him again. Especially if you give him a down payment. Never give a contractor money before he does anything, ever.
  17. The battery in your car will die, at exactly the same time you realize you left your cell phone at home, when your miles away from anything.
  18. If you bite the inside of your mouth, you will bite it again and again for at least a week, until you wanna kill yourself.
  19. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get a large object back in the packaging that it came in when you bought it. That is why the warranty says you have to, in order to return it. They know it’s not possible.
  20. If you move from the longer line at the checkout, to the shorter line, the person in front of you will either have 198 coupons which the checker has to read the date on each one, or they will have an item that requires a price check, and the clerk is gone for what seems to be 15 or 20  minutes. The same exact scenario happens when you change lanes on the freeway. The lane that was moving just minutes ago, comes to a complete stop when you move into it.

I have obviously learned a lot more than a mere twenty item list, so look for more lists to appear in the future. Life can be totally frustrating or humorous, it’s your choice how you view it. Life works better if you laugh instead of constantly griping. You’ll have more friends too.

VERITAS VINCIT   ~   LIVE FREE OR DIE

Old Glory

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