JOIN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
Democrats are the world’s foremost experts on phobias. If you have a phobia, they will be able to discern that fact moments after meeting you. Sometimes they can make that diagnosis, just from seeing your photo, or perhaps learning who your friends are. It’s impossible to hide your feelings from Democrats, their minds can penetrate your mind while you are mowing your lawn, or while you’re doing your laundry. Their brain waves are everywhere, like radio waves. Trust me, if you have a phobia, you will not be able to hide it from them.
If they hear you speak, it doesn’t matter what you say, they know what you really mean. You can’t hide your inner thoughts. They are able to analyze your words immediately and highlight phrases that are “dog whistles”. They know immediately when you omit something from your speech, that you’re endorsing whatever it was that you omitted. Your head may as well be made from a transparent material and all of your thoughts readable on tiny monitors. Remember when your pastor told you God knows your every thought? Well so do the Democrats.
This must be true, because they can diagnose large groups of a particular demographic, without ever having met a single person. Obama was able to determine that people in the mid west were suffering from paranoia, and clinging to their guns and bibles out of desperation. Never mind that their despair was the product of dumbass politicians, that killed the economy in that region, from really bad trade agreements. A few years later, Hillary was able to add to that insult saying these same people were xenophobes, homophobes, and misogynists, basically just plain deplorable. She was able to know this through her incredible telepathic powers.
Another incredible gift that Democrats have is that they know immediately if you’re a racist. If you have been following any of the speeches that leading Democrats have been giving lately, they have successfully identified almost every single raciest in the U.S. and Canada. They may have missed a couple of Eskimos and a few mushroom farmers. But they pretty much have everyone else covered.
So if the Democrats are so damn perfect, and not guilty of any of these phobias that the rest of us are, why can’t we see their halos. I keep looking for the aura that must surround Obama, Kerry, Hillary, Booker, Schumer, Clapper, Brennan and Comey and others. Why can’t I see that heavenly glow? It must be the deplorable level of my existence, and I was denied that ability by the political gods. Rest easy my friends, it’s all bullshit.
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